wtf #5: rivers? qua?

So, apparently when Rivers sang, "We Are All On Drugs" he wasn't kidding.  It's been a while since I've really and truly paid attention to Weezer...which I reckon is because even though "Make Believe" had some good stuff and The Red Album had some cool songs and some interesting, um...experimentation, maybe?, it's been a while since a really awesome weezer album.  But apparently through this not paying attention thing, I've missed Rivers' transformation into some sort of nerdy Rock Star, and weezer's metamorphosis into a bunch of crazy people.  Don't get me wrong, I totally dig all of these videos.  But, wow...this is the guy who wrote Pinkerton and then totally fell apart and lived in a house in LA with all the windows covered and just sat in the dark all day?  Check out this ass-kickin' version of their new single from Letterman:

And wait...what the hell? Pat's playing guitar? Who the hell is 
drumming? I can't even find anything on weezer's website 
about that guy...is he like the mystery fourth member of Green 
Day who plays all the guitar solos now? Is he in the band?  
Sweet version of that tune, though...love the horns. And then 
there's this one from last night:

weezer snuggies? What the fuck is that about? And what is Rivers 
doing? It looks like he's taking Rock Star lessons from some...um...
Rock Star, but he's such a dork that it comes off, well...super dorky.  
And of course by super dorky I mean Super Awesome! So what the hell 
happened? I do have one theory: I think it all started with this video:

Rivers' fantastic acting aside, not only is this one of the very 
coolest videos ever, look how much fun the man is having!  
And then there's Beverly Hills and...everything that has 
followed. Again, it's all good...but I guess the big question 
is...does this make their music better or worse? Or just 
different? I have no idea, really. But I guess I can't argue 
against a turn of events that causes them to do this fantastic 
cover mash-up:

I don't know...that's pretty awesome.

wtf #4: the submariner

I sometimes have a hard time believing that every letter to the editor printed by the ol' AZRepublic is really real and not some thing written in by the staff of the Onion or one of Howard Stern's cronies (which I only bring up so I can reminisce about the time somebody from Howie's show called into SportsCenter claiming to be Steve Bartman, made it onto the air for an exclusive interview, went through with the interview, then asked Dan Patrick, "Do you like Howard Stern's butt-cheese?"  I think there's a PA buried outside of Bristol somewhere with Dan's fingerprints all over his or her mutilated body).


Case in point: this letter that was printed today on the ongoing debate over whether female sailors should be allowed to serve on submarines.  Let's break down this fabulous little missive, shall we?


Regarding the issue of women serving on U.S. submarines: This should never happen.


Quick to the point, to the point no fakin'.

On surface ships, there are a number of men and women who have had their careers ruined because they could not resist sexual temptations. 

Right.  They didn't throw away their careers for some lovin', they had them ruined by someone else and, of course, those nasty uncontrollable urges.

To put a small number of women on a submarine for 85 days underwater in close quarters is asking for issues.

You know, because of those urges.  I assume that the "issues" being asked for when putting a small number of women in those close quarters are, you know, rape and stuff.  Because that's what men do.  Not because they want to, of course.  It's the temptations.  And those slutty female sailors.  Sluts. 

This would also create issues with wives of those submarine sailors.

Well, yeah, because they know what's going to happen.  They've been in close quarters with these men and their man parts and they know what happens when a man feels temptation.  Not a damn thing to be done about it.

As a retired submariner, I do not believe men and women should serve together on submarines. 

I assume that he knows what happens when the temptation strikes.  You know, as a retired submariner who spent 85 days at a time in close quarters with a whole bunch of dudes.

Women can do the job any man on submarines can do...

Oh!  So our submariner is an enlightened 21st Century Gentleman who is all about equality!  He knows that women can do anything men can do...

therefore, I recommend having a submarine with an all-women crew.

and as we all know, when people are equal, the fairest, most logical thing to do is to keep them separate!  There's certainly nothing wrong with keeping one group of people completely separate from another as long as they're totally equal, right? 

This should please all spouses and prevent any sailor, man or woman, from ruining their career because they could not resist sexual temptations. 

You know it!  Because, again, the temptation thing.  Can't be controlled.  No reason to try.

Let's not put our sailors in jeopardy. 

Right...the kind of jeopardy that can only be caused by (gasp!) Sexual Temptation!  But by all means, continue putting our sailors in jeopardy by, you know, fighting wars and shit.

We can still have equal rights for women who would like to serve on submarines and still maintain professionalism.

Oh, I get it!  It's about professionalism!  But why stop with segregating by sex?  I mean, I'm sure there are white sailors who are so incredibly tempted to tell some black jokes.  Wouldn't it be easier if submarine crews were also segregated by skin color?  Or maybe socio-economic status?  And why stop with submarines?  We probably oughta segregate the rest of the military...and schools...and public places.  You know, because of the temptation.  How have we ever gotten anything done in this society, what with all the inter-mingling of all these different people?  

To sum up:

Sailors cannot control their temptations, especially with sluts around. 

Because of the sluts and temptations, many sailors' careers have been ruined.

It's not the sailor's fault; can you control yourself when there are sluts around?  You wish!

People who are different should be separated from one another.  Even though they're equally as capable as one another.

special edition: the out-of-context quote

Today's out-of-context quote comes from some guy on some website, and to say any more would of course provide context:


"I hope I have made that man named Ortmeyer as happy as the man named Jed Ortmeyer made me."


Good times!  wtf, that guy?

wtf #3: the haters

This edition of wtfaz features Special Guests: The Much-Beloved Sheriff Joe Arpaio, one of his cronies, and Some Dumb Guy.


The Much-Beloved Sheriff Joe Arpaio presides over a good program: his office has toughened up big time on drunk drivers.  Big penalties and the like.  That's a good thing.  I'm not sure I like this part of it:

The whole "discouraging crime by making criminals wear pink because as everybody knows, only a gay would wear pink and you don't want to be a gay do you?" thing?  Well, that's much less good.  But that's not the really bad.


The really bad is the racism.  The Much Beloved SJA has become that, in part, because of his ass-kickin' tactics in the illegal immigration realm.  His office conducts these massive sweeps of brown people to ensure that they're all legals.  I suppose that's on the line...I mean, illegal is bad, right?  But then he makes comments like this:


When a reporter asked the sheriff how his deputies determined when to question about their immigration status during a news conference Saturday he replied, “Certain criteria -- no identification, look like you just came from Mexico, and they admit it. So that’s enough."


Wait...look like you just came from Mexico?  What does that look like?  This?  These guys look like they just came from Mexico...is that what his deputies are looking for?  Or maybe they're searching for this fella.


But since that was clearly some sort of misspeak, a reporter went to ask TMBSJA's director of custody to clarify.  He cleared it right up:


“I think you can tell people that are not from this country,” he said. "And I’m not talking Hispanics. Maybe someone from France looks a little different than somebody from Europe or somebody from England looks a little bit different than we do. It’s the same way that they can tell when an American citizen is in Europe."


Um...what?  Now, ignoring that someone from France is also somebody from Europe...xenophobic much?  "He's different!  Get 'im" seems to be the policy they're advocating.  And if he didn't like being singled out on his trip to Europe, maybe the Crony shouldn't have worn this shirt.


But don't worry...people are tiring of these hatemongerish comments and are beginning to rise up!  From a letter to the editor in The Arizona Republic printed a couple days after the above comments:


Having been in law enforcement, although some time ago, what is now called 'racial profiling,' we called 'good police work.' If it walks like a [furriner] and quacks like a [furriner], it must be a [furriner]. Sheriff Joe Arpaio is doing the job he is being paid to do and has my vote.


Again; what?  First, this phantom "[being] in law enforcement" thing...what the hell does that mean?  Was he a prison guard?  An inmate-turned-snitch?  Maybe he lived in Tombstone and got deputized to help Wyatt and Doc and the fellas run the Cowboys outta town?  But equating racial profiling with good police work?  That's a sweet one.  He might as well have said, "In my day, it was easy to know who the bad guys were--they were the brown ones."  


To sum up:


Cracking down on DUIs?  Good (+1)
Trying to make prisoners repent by making them look like homos?  Bad (-5)
Rounding up or harassing people who look different?  Very Bad (-1,000,000)


Today's TMBSJA final score: -1,000,004.  He's either a bad sheriff or a beyond-amazing golfer.  And yet I read today that his approval rating is something like 86%.


Eighty-Six Percent?  wtf, arizona?

wtf #2: the train

I arrived in town from the GWN (that's the Great White North) last Monday.  I walked into MSP and it was, well...shitty.  I walked out of PHX and it was sunny and warm and just see wtf #1 if you need a description of what things are like around here weather-wise.


So it being mid-Monday-morning and m'old lady slavin' away and me not knowin' anybody else but my Gammy, I figure I gotta figure out some way to get m'self home without gettin' on the SuperShuttle and payin' for a $30 ride or some such nonsense.


Well I know that the PHX (the city, not the airport) is ridin' the ever-popular public transit wave, and I know that they have some pretty sweet-lookin' light-rail trains:

Pretty bitchin', right?  They've sort of got that clean, sleek, retro-futuristic look that I totally dig.  And whatever that crap in the background is looks kind of the-future-as-seen-from-the-'50s as well.  Plus, as you can see from this photo of a race they had, the train is totally faster than a bus, so that's awesome.  Also, I'm pretty sure that hotel on the left is called the Westward Ho.  Heh.  Ho.


At any rate, who doesn't want to ride that train?  And I could ride the train to near m'lady's workplace, catch a bus the rest of the way, hop in the POS and drive home.  Simple.  And cheap as hell, right?  Right.


No.  


I'm not sure how to adequately describe the turdfest that was my first experience riding the Valley Metro.  It started out real pleasant-like.  I got on the shuttle that goes from the airport to the nearest transit center (since I lived in Minneapolis, stupid shit like putting a light rail line near, but not to, the airport just rolls right off my back like oil off an otter being washed with Dawn).  Took two minutes.  As I'm riding, I'm looking up the appropriate bus to take once I hop off the train at Camelback.  Suddenly, I encountered:


Ridiculous Valley Metro Item #1:
Bus fare is $1.75.  Train fare is $1.75.  But to ride the train and then the bus, or vice versa?  $3.50.  That's right, they double-dip you.  Hm.  I'm vexed.  


But I press on.  I discover that I could ride just the bus to the ol' workplace.  Alright.  I'll ride that sexy ol' train some other time.  So I hop off the shuttle and head over to the ticket machine at the light rail station as I rarely carry cash.  I read the fare list, which says the following:


"SINGLE-FARE BUS OR RAIL TICKET--$1.75"


So I shove my card up in there and purchase my single-fare bus ticket.  I walk back across the street to the bus stop and wait for the driver of the parked (and running, natch) bus.  He gets on, and I board.  Now, my fare ticket that I bought doesn't have a magnetic strip like the ones I'm used to in Minneapolis, so I show it to the driver and say, "What do I do with this?"  He gives me the ol' dumbshit look and says, "That's a train ticket.  You can only use it on the train."  I told him that that's not what the sign says and he tells me, "Read the ticket, idiot."  Well, he left off the "idiot," but only just barely.  I tell him that's not what the machine says, and he says, "Yeah, well, read the ticket, asshole."  Again, except for the last part (but it was implied).  


Whatever.  So I go back over to the light rail.  I hop on and right it up to Camelback.  Not bad.  And I start hoofin' it.  Cartin' a duffel bag in one hand and my bitchin' metal case in t'other, I start thumpin' along.  I walk 24 blocks in my Minnesota jeans gettin' a sweet-ass sunburn until the lady comes and picks me up.


Next day, my neck was really sore.  Valley Metro, I blame you.  Double-dip fares?  Incorrect signage?  Smarmy bus drivers?  


wtf, arizona?

wtf #1: the weather

As David Byrne says in "Toe Jam":


A boy looks at a girl,
And a girl looks like a pony.
She gallops all day long
In between my toes.


Hm.  That's wrong.  Let's try it again.  As David Byrne says in "Toe Jam":


Every day is fucking perfect!
It's a paradise!


That's the one.  That's what it's like in Arizona.  All the time.  I mean, I guess it gets a little warm in the summertime.  Maybe even a lot warm.  But still...the mornings are lovely, the nights are great, and every freaking place you go has air conditioning (unless you drive a old-ass Jetta that does not).  And yet...


The local news here acts like the local news anyplace else; it's based on either fear or sap, and people watch it and say "Oh my, what is this world coming to?" and then, "[Sigh], cats are so effing cute!"  I hate the news...but that's for another day.


No, what is absolutely ridiculous about the weather in Arizona is the way they report the weather.  They report the weather as though it's going to change.  But it isn't.  Every cut-in weather update features an update on the weather, and every news half-hour features at least two, if not three, check-ins on the weather.  But guess what...it's always the same damn thing!  I know the temperature falls within a daily range of about, well, 4 degrees over a week.  But seriously...it's hot in the summer and it cools off slightly as the months wear on.  But cripes...it's reported in this breathless way, like the weatherman is some fucking genius..."It's gonna be 84 today, then in the low 80s later this week, then the mid- to upper-80s over the weekend."  


And then there's the "monsoon."  Yep, there's a couple weeks in the late summer when some rain is expected.  But these people act all fucking shocked when it doesn't rain.  Hey!  Numbnuts!  You live in the Damn Desert!  It doesn't rain much!  It ain't gonna green your lawn!  But they talk about it every freaking day as though it's imminent.  Ugh.


It's an old saw; Being a weatherman in Arizona is the easiest job in the world.  Well no shit.  But the same people who say that hang on the weatherman's every word, as though he actually has something to forecast.


Ugh.  wtf, arizona?