Wednesday, November 18, 2009

i love the newspaper

First, something hilarious.  Here's a story from Seattle:



Seattle police say a man who thought he was ninja was impaled on a metal fence when he tried to leap over it. An officer who was looking for an assault victim nearby Monday night heard the man screaming for help. Police supported him to prevent further injuries until medics arrived and took him to a hospital, where he was in serious condition in intensive care on Tuesday.
Police spokeswoman Renee Witt wrote in a department Web site posting that officers thought the man might have been involved in the reported assault, but he insisted he was just a ninja trying to clear a 4- to 5-foot-tall fence.
Witt says the man was "overconfident in his abilities," and that alcohol likely played a role.
His name was not released.
That's the official AP version of the story.  Hilarious, right?  My favorite part is "alcohol likely played a role."  No shit.  But here's a better version of the story from the Seattle University Spectator:


At around 11:15 p.m. Monday, SPD responded to an unusual call.
An intoxicated 25-year-old who told officers he was a ninja had impaled himself on a post after attempting to jump a five-foot feence on 7th Ave. between Cherry St. and James St.
This happened after a 41-year-old man, also highly intoxicated, tried to enter a sports bar near 6th Ave. and King St.  The ‘ninja’, not employed by the bar, attempted to block the man from entering.  What started as an argument resulted in a more physical fight between the two.

The older man chased the younger into the street, and the ‘ninja’ attempted to jump the fence, impaling himself in the process.
“Clearly he was overconfident in his abilities,” said the police report.
After the ninja was impaled, the older man called the police to say he had been assaulted. The police arrived, heard the 25-year-old’s screams and found him on the fence, bleeding heavily with the metal spike sticking out of his butt.
The man was taken to Harborview and questioned by police.
Neither man will be arrested on suspicion of assault.
Oh, so it was a heroic ninja.  Thank goodness for that.
Also, there was another fantastic letter to the editor.  I love that they print stuff like this:

Obama's bow to emperor upsetting
When President Barack Obama bowed to the Saudi king, Obama's spokesman denied that it was actually a bow.
Now, we see Obama bowing to the Japanese emperor, and it's no longer deniable.
The president of the United States is not the subject of a Saudi king nor a Japanese emperor nor anyone else. He is their equal and needs to act like it.
Obama's deferential attitude reflects his lack of pride in the United States. It's disgusting to those Americans who do take pride in their country. - Some Guy,Phoenix
I guess what Señor Guy would have preferred is that Obama make out with the Saudi king like Bush did, right?  But...Oh!  That's not the end of the letter!  Through a wtf exclusive, we have the rest of the letter!
What a real American President would have done is shake the emperor's hand, then swiftly bring his knee up into the emperor's groin.  When the emperor fell to the ground, the President should have held on to his hand, breaking a finger or two, then stepped on the emperor's windpipe until he passed out.  Now that's America.  Also, he should have been wearing a leather jacket with this logo on the back.  America rules!
Also, in what is sure to become a source of controversy not seen on the comics page since the time Dagwood found himself alone under the mistletoe with Mr. Dithers, apparently Bucky Katt agrees with our letter writer:

Wow.  That was unexpected.





 

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